Guitar solos, dammit, you know guitar solos are for those geriatric metal bands from the disco era. Also, did you say deep penetration pornography, because I would like to get off to that. “Arcades on fire? That sounds like a safety hazard, bro. I mean, do you want that type of music to be representing your country?” You’re not as bad as Kroeger’s band, but you’re still playing the same tired, grating music, just with a lot more angst. So it’s just you and Nickelback who are representing Canadian rock. Not everyone knows who Arcade Fire is, and the New Pornographers haven’t penetrated into the mainstream. I mean, don’t you want to to differentiate yourselves from the Breaking Benjamins, Seethers and Puddle of Mudds of the world? Plus, you guys are also Canadians. You add absolutely nothing new to the ‘alternative’ metal scene. You’re playing heavy guitar chords, but it sounds too neat and clean. Not only is your voice obnoxious, but your guitars bore the hell out of me. Songs such as ‘Pain,’ ‘Animal I Have Become,’ ‘Riot,’ where you’re yelling, trying sound all tortured, they’re all fucking obnoxious. If we decided to build on that breakdown a little longer, we might have had a memorable song that lasted too fucking long, like 5 minutes!” I mean, didn’t you listen to us earlier bro? We fucking love money! That’s why all of our songs are between 3 and 4 minutes long. “Because all of our songs need to be radio-friendly and shit. ‘Time of Dying’ has a wonderful breakdown in the middle of the song, but it lasts so briefly. “Ummm, OK… Let’s take a look at your other tracks. If we’re subtle, the disaffected high school demographic we pander to won’t be able to use our music to stick it to those jocks! That’s why we write more bombastic shit such as ‘Pain’ or ‘Animal I Have Become’ instead of something tolerable.” Most radio stations are worried that a slightly experimental song such as ‘Get Out Alive’ would scare listeners away. “Because these songs don’t give us money, brah. I mean, you guys sort of do that on the mellow ‘Get Out Alive.’ Why can’t you write more songs like that?”
“But how else are we supposed to show off our pain? We just can’t get enough of it.” “Jesus fucking Christ, don’t ever use that voice in here.” “Oh, that grating Dave Grohl-wannabe post-grunge/nu-metal vocals? That’s us being emotional, bro, EMOTIONAL!!” Let’s take ‘Never Too Late.’ I mean, the subject matter is so bleak and the lyrics are so sweet and affirming, but your voice…” “Yeah, about your music, how should I say this. “Hey, Three Days Grace, come in here, I want to talk to you about your album One-X”
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